Now that I'm able to understand more, my host family and I have been talking about more long-term, serious, life-choices and plans. The context is future. At first it was my aim in life. then my ideal future living situation and now marriage.
Now, these are things that I'm still trying to figure out for myself. My aim in life? At first I said the easiest. To be happy, but was reminded that that's everyone!s general goal. Ok. So I thought about it. I've had a lot of time alone here. What with a few months not knowing the language and having few friends. I've been without a lot of things that had become attatched to me (or vice versa) and there are are some things that have come out on top. Before I came, I was just beginning to comfirm the importance of music in my life. Now I have no choice. It's there. I can ignore part of my soul by not playing, or I can nourish it by learning and continuing. Another strength of mine is learning languages, something which either comes from music or music came from. In my five months here, I have developed an understanding of a completely foreign tongue. Now I feel as though I can accomplish anything. Which I intend to do. Communicate. I feel the need to be a communicator, because although I may not have a specific 'message'-there are things I know, and often take for granted, that others seem to need. I grow upon giving them. In this way I envision myself becoming a world communicator to the receptive and the willing. Trying to explain this in Turkish ended up in it being understood that I want to be a famous musician. Not necessarily the case. The subject was changed.
The next night, the topic was how I want to live, when I have kids and am my parents' age. I hadn't really given much though to this before, besides many "wouldn't it be amazing if..."s. Wanting to start somewhere explainable, I began by saying I want to have a self-sufficient farm, less than an hour away from a city like Portland. In my house there would be solid things that could get painted on and nothing would ever get ruined, because there would be no 'ruined'. My host mum answered by saying here sister had done that-planted a garden and bought chickens. How she didn't look after it and sold off the chickens one by one. The work was too much. She asked how I would get money. The self-sufficient part of the deal wasn't flying. How would I buy school supplies and clothes and electricity and water and transportation? There are many needs these days they told me. I tried to explain that before running water and electricity-in the times of old-people got along. It was hard work, but it made life go. They remended me that we aren't in the times of old and insisted I needed money to live. I kept on their track and suggested that I could make music on the farm and play in the nearby cities. They said that would work, but who would take care of the farm? It's hard work, you know. I said many families could live and work there together. I think they thought it was impractical becuase my host mum smiled at me and wished me luck.
This evening's discussion was the longest yet. It started with my obligation to invite them to my wedding. I said of course they'll be invited, if I have one. You should marry a Türk they said. Oh, no, I don't want to have to make every meal without help. But in Turkey that's the way it is. From childhood, boys are pampered and given everything without having to lift a finger. This is the way things are. You're right, I said, you were raised that way, that's how boys are growing up, but in my house the work will be shared. How? they asked. Well, a lot of families I know in America are like that, one person cooks and whoever didn't cook cleans up stuff. Children help their parents, and learn how to cook and clean. At least minimally. AH! they exclaim, you see, our children are waited on my their mothers and don't know how to do that. They stay at home until they marry, it's cheap and they don't have to do any work. Remember? The ohter night? (Our family had gone to dinner at another family's house that has two over 25 daughters living at home, Gül and Berfin) Gül didn't help at all and Berfin only made turkish coffee. You see? They said, if you don't find a husband you'll end up like Berfin. No, I said, I'll probably leave home for college, I'll have to cook and clean up after myself. Who will give you money? Hopefully I'll get a scholarship, but I'll still have to work. They considered this, and then: Our daughter wants to be just like us. Married, and she'll model her mothering after mine. Isn't that what you want? To get married and be a mother whose example your child can follow? I do want to be a good mum, but I don't think I want to get married. But what about the child? Well, we will always be the parents, married or not. No, they said, that's wrong, look at your grandma, what's she doing? Look at what we're doing. This is normal. I pointed out that my mum and I do fine just the two of us, seeing my dad occasionally. It's our life, we're used to it and we're happy. You are living peacefully with them, you love each other. In Turkey, this type of thing doesn't happen. The divorced are unhappy, the children live with the mother, and there are always problems with the father. I said that also happens in America, but a lot of kids see both parent's equally and everyone's fine. Ok, Maybe in America it's like that, but you should get married. Just, listen. Look around at people getting to be our age, you don't want to be alone at this point. (And then what really intrigued me) Look, when you have 50 people and 45 go this way and 5 go another way, the 45 are doing right.
I just cocked my head and looked at my host dad. Really? I thought.
Understand? Taking my silence for confusion.
Oh, I understand, but.....
....but now I have to sleep on that...
*****
Another day:
The apartments are ugly but they all have big windows. Across the street on the fifth floor a baby learns to walk. My host parents and I spend a great deal of time sitting in these chairs by the windows and watching. In this neighborhood, Alsancak, the social center of İzmir, empty streets can only be seen very late on weeknights. Even the security guards hang around.
The only people I ever see biking on the streets are gypsies or kurds, the ones who deliver water and gas.
Schoolkids on the street, cutting class.
Little permanent stands where poor (but honest-as my host parents say) men sell flowers, news, Gavrek.
On the corner, old gypsy women wait to be hired for housecleaning jobs. (Much like the mexicans in burnside.)
Across the street, a bank.
Across another street, Rehan Pastanesi. One of the most famous (and expensive) patisseries in the city. The sides are all glass, so we can watch that crowd too.
A very religious couple. Old-woman with headscarf, but that's common, it's the big beard on the man that's the telltale sign.
Ah, and the trash collector. Darker skin and incredible strength, from 7 or 8 years old, the recycling is hand-seperated and put in massive bags (big enough for 4 grown men) and then pulled along behind. Like a working horse. Although on the same street as the fancy Rehan patisserie, they are certainly on the other side of the glass.
And here's Metin, the tea-man for the men on the streets, working. The tea-man is VERY important. People here drink tea all the time. They drink it from little bell/hourglass/penguin shaped cups that you could fit 3 severed fingers an. They are thin glass like wine glasses and tea that's not burning hot is sacrelige.
There are sidewalks and there are streets. It's clear which is which, but people often walk on the street, and vespas can be seen on the sidewalk.
I'm sure if you saw the way we cross the street over here you'd be grabbing our hands and hanking us back, positive you'd saved us from an imminent automobile accident.
*****
Classroom with massive windows looking out on tended grounds taken for granted. The windows and the grounds and the desks most likely made in this millenium, disregarded and vandalized. Cat's away children are playing. They act just like their fathers and mothers, only more energetic. I can watch their social dynamics like a multi-media art project, only I can trace the themes. But doing that leaves me on the outside, not part of the social scene. Watch or be watched, although I'm not watched-or wearing a watch for that matter. All of a sudden Hulya shouts out how much she weighs and starts a class discussion. Breifly. And then everyone goes back to their conversatoins.
The other day I was talking about making my friend cookies for her birthday, and by host dad was like, you should give her an apple, she's very fat. When I informed him that comments like that are generally rude in the USA, he was really surprised. Since htey are going there, I thought it would be important in regards to their social acceptance. My host mum insisted that she would continue to inform people of their degree of fat or thinness, but I told her that would be a good way to lose friends.
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